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a new way of looking at... writings >> alain guillemin >> the polichinelles or europe - 1 |
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THE POLICHINELLES OF EUROPE (The cops were originally two puppets of two different types. One was a rod puppet. He was, and still is, the "chief". The other was a string puppet. He was, and still is, the "underling". The only opposition kept in the text is that between "chief" and "underling".) ROD COP: Let's go, it's time. The sun's up. The law allows us to knock on their doors, even to search their flats. PUPPET COP: Yes, boss, but of course it's me who must, me who must, me who must sear... ROD COP: I cover you. What's better than being covered by one's chief? PUPPET COP: Very well, OK. It's always better to be covered before than covered up afterwards. See you later, alligator. ROD COP: Remain covered. But wait a minute. We need to know what number's his flat, the flat of this birdie bird, this multicolored canary, this shadowy raven. But don't let anyone fly away in the meantime. And all that because he's stolen an egg, so they say, our good citizi, our good citizo, our good citizens. PUPPET COP: Stolen an egg? I understood he'd stolen a couple of pints along with a big pink egglephant. But one doesn't steal an egglephant, be it pink or blue or yellow, when one lives in a tower block. An egglephant can hardly go into a lift. And meanwhile, I remain here, my police cap on my brilliant egghead. What a profession! To work at the Polichinelles' one needs a thickly padded cap otherwise one's egghead may end up like humpty dumpty who had a great fall and cracked his crown. (The first cop is calling the man inside the semi-detached house in front of the tower block. The man comes out.) ROD COP: Say, you, yes you in the little nice and clean semi-detached house. D'you know all those people in the block of flats across the street? BLAISE: Me, know them, Constable. But we hear them all the time. They come from the smallest villages all over Europe. They are always squealing and squawking like a bunch of crows or fantasy birds. This block of flats has become a big bird zoo. Me, know them, Constable. I've got plenty of time everyday to see and hear them. How couldn't I do it. With my old worn-out legs, I can't go nowhere no more. ROD COP: I'm looking for one who seems to be coming from China. He's an illegal, a hunchback with a birdy head, a birdo beak, a burden of a voice that screeches like a bunch of thieving magpies. BLAISE: I don't exactly know if he still has his nest here, that there migrating bird. He might have flown away. ROD COP: It won't be long before we put him in a cage. He must've stolen an egg, probably some golden egg or maybe some diamond as big as an egg, and not a pigeon egg, probably a big fat eggplant or an egg-gyptian jewel. But, you're lucky. They provide you with a lot of entertainment, some kind of leisure or even funfair attraction. BLAISE: What happiness! Let me tell you! I used to have a countryside house, right in the middle of the fields and the woods. I could listen to the birds singing. I used to breathe fine and fresh air. And now I'm amidst blocks of flats. They're only overpopulated rabbit dens. Speaking of bird language, pretty soon I won't know it no more. (The other cop is hard at work.) PUPPET COP: Name, address, birth date, papers, profession, nationality. PUNCH: I not understand much well. Me be English. PUPPET COP: Name, address, birth date, papers, profession, nationality, damn it. PUNCH: Oh, you, you speaking French much well. Me be Punch. I me living in the Europe. I be born for some time ago. Where? Me remember not. The friends of me, they say in the Covent Garden. Mine papers is all scrambled eggs. Me be an English. PUPPET COP: Do you have a pen? I must write all that down. It's all going to get out of my head. PUNCH: Me have not a pen. Me have a stick. It is one big pen. It writes in punches. Ah Ah Ah! It will stay into the head of you. And me push you little bit into window. And you be fallen in street. Shit. He be fallen at window from Polichinelle. POLICHINELLE: Where's that one falling from? You didn't ring, sir. PUPPET COP: I am all punch-drunk. I punch from fell's. I mean, I fell from Punch's. POLICHINELLE: And what do you want, if you please? PUPPET COP: Well, name, address, birth date, papers, profession, nationality. POLICHINELLE: Name: Polichinelle, papers all crumbled up, born yes, address here as you can see, nationality French, profession artist and musician, I play the stick, the musical stick, as you can feel, don't you? PUPPET COP: Please, keep some measure. (three blows) POLICHINELLE: I play the stick and I beat the measure. (He gives some more blows.) And measure for measure, you'll end up in Pulcinella's den. Good riddance. Farewell. Bon voyage. Aufwiedersehen. PULCINELLA: Hey, there and here, who's there? I don't seem to know you. What is your business so early in the morning in my flat? PUPPET COP: I want to know, well, all that you know. Your name, your address, your birth date, your papers, your profession, your nationality. PULCINELLA: Pulcinella, that's to say, Pulcinella the flatfooted chicken. But flatfoot sure ain't my profession, you bet. And I'm Italian and I live here, or some other place over there, my papers are paper chickabiddy, and you you've got goosepimples all over, and me I'm going to pluck your feathers and crack your egghead. You better go at once. Why not to Kasperl's flat, thick skull. (Stick. He beats him up and the cop goes away.) KASPERL: Achso! Donnerwetter! Was is das! Ein Volkspolizei von der DDR? PUPPET COP: Well, well... Let's see who that one is. Just a few questions. Your name, your address, your birth date, your papers, your profession, your nationality. KASPERL: Oh, I can see what you want. Your name, your birth date, your papers, your address, your profession, your nationality. All that I don't know. You are the only one to know all that. But, as for me, I'm Kasperl. I didn't come with the last rain storm. I am German, my papers you can't read them. My addres you know it since you're here, you're here in this nut house box and my profession's bouncer. And as for bouncing I'm good at it. Where do you want to go? What about into Petrouchka's cauldron? (He bounces him out.) PETROUCHKA: Hey there? This is not a red light district for perambulating hoboes and pimps. What do you want, by any chance, my darling dick? PUPPET COP: Nothing, absolutely nothing. I'm just going through. PETROUCHKA: What does he want to know? (To the audience.) What does he want to know, do you know, you the ninnies in front of the set. Oh, by the way how is the pop corn? And don't forget your mothers don't want to find crumbs on the sofa and soda on the table. So be clean and nice and well-behaved. So, can you say what he wants, this blue bottle fly of a cop? AUDIENCE: Your Name, your address, your birth date, your papers, your profession, your nationality. PETROUCHKA: Petrouchka. Where do I live? Here of course. Where was I born? Of course I was born since I am alive. My nationality? Of course Russian. My profession he says? Responsible for Communication, Information and Transportation. So, off you go. On the double. And don't forget to communicate. Who's next, now? Why don't you go to Jan Klassen's, before I mash your nose and break your skull and beat up your jelly-eyes. (The cop goes out to Jan Klassen's.) JAN KLAASSEN: Don't you ask, the arabic grapevine works well in this nether world, I know, what you're looking for, though methinks you can't look for anything anymore, with the two sunny side up beads that you call your eyes. Rather glazed, don't you think. But, OK, let me tell you everything. Jan Klaassen. I'm living here, down here. I'm from the low countries, the Netherlands. I've very tiny papers all well written in Dutch. And my profession's stick-brandisher. And you, the flatfooter, what do you want, without any please nor any thank you? I've got no time to waste. It's nearly time for me to have my Heineken beer with a bowl of cottage cheese made with good Dutch milk from good Dutch not crazy at all cows. So, what are you wanting, zulu highlander? PUPPET COP: Nothing! (Stick) I assure you, nothing and thank you. (Stick.) You're welcome. (The last two, Vitez Lazlo and Don Cristobal, appear and jump onto the cop.) TOGETHER: Vitez Lazlo! Don Cristobal! We live in a big European Community Center. I'm Hungarian. I'm Spanish. I'm a juggler. I'm an acrobat. He wants our papers. Hey Friends, throw all your papers out at him. (Papers are thrown and they all fly to the cop.) |