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a new way of looking at... writings >> zak mayer >> untitled |
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Yep, another 2Am night and I've got absolutely nothing on my mind. A creative jolt hits my body, but what is it my mind wants my body to do? I haven't figured it out yet but usually it starts by writing. And there I am, off on a tangent thinking about programming. Wishing I could compose music and entertain so many. Alien notes speak to me, seductively stroking at my cerebral cortex like a sex kitten wanting her milk. God, how pornographic. Perverse. Lets just say I'm not going further on that road of thought. Dancing a sudden urge. Perhaps it is what I listen to that keeps me awake. Songs within songs of hyper activity and rythmns that keep the body in a state of wanting to gyrate like a wheel barrow full of shit on its way to hell, full steam ahead and fuck the collateral Mr. Sulu! I haven't written in a while. I've been reading a lot and working on a website for myself. If only I knew what to put. "Attention, dear readers, welcome to my site. You are now subject to crack head ramblings and mysterious flights of thought. Those flights of thought are subject to crashing out of the sky in a horendous fireball of flaming feces. Should you be injured by the crack head ramblings or mysterious flights of thought, I am not responsible. Should you enjoy your time while at my site, or not, please send me some fluffy e-mail on why you and everyone else should spend time tracking me down on the net so you can kill me." Uhm, yeah that about sums up my thoughts on internet cultures right there. The computers replaced the TV and some days I wish I could get rid of both, but my attention span has been thorougly ruined. See, like that, well you can't see that, but as I typed out attention span a thought of programming some mySQL and PHP stuff came into my mind. That and I'm thirsty. Jesus H. Christoph el Savior. I wish I could meet Hunter S. Thompson and at least impress upon him that I am grateful for what he has done for many people in their many lives. No matter how fucked up or irresponsible they could have been, are, or aren't. He is a good man with ideas about America that I like, and dislike. The story is only half the story. How you got the story is the better half if you live your life according to your ways. I miss a lot of people lately. People who were and are still very integral in my life. Joe and Carl probably being the two I miss the most. Ryan, Sarah, my Grandfather, and a lot of other people. I miss people who I still know, but no longer know. People change, that is a fact of life, but being able to cope with changes for the better or worse is the problem. Sometimes I miss myself, but usually I turn up and I'm happy again. When I'm lost... Those times are the worst. Joe, Amy, and Amy can attest to that. Yeah that's two Amy's. Here is the part where I mention that I'm bored and probably going to stop writing. I have to get some sleep so I can go early to class tomorrow and discuss with the professor exactly what the fricken homework is that is due in my class. It seems like we have a lot to do, but all the assignments are so unclear. What will be nice is I can go early and leave after I talk to her. She's told me time and again I don't need to be there due to my qualifications, whatever those are. Guess I won't stop writing, I've fattened this thing up in a bit. The faucets on... slower music started playing. So much of my thought is music driven. Perhaps I am a Ryhtmn Warrior. A person who is "activated" by rythmns and compelled by them to do things. Be creative, destructive, or just myself, a rhythm helps the most. Influential people. Charisma and Charm. How I wish I could be one of those. A molder, a shaper of minds, and thoughts that exceed the norm and go beyond the boundary. I know I'm good for something. I just don't know what it is yet. I need to find it soon. Jack of all trades. I know I am not a master of none. I accel at too much. Fail horribly in others, heh. Music change. Rage Agaisnt the Machine. Simple psych up music and all I want to do right now is kick and punch my way through a gauntlet of humanly destructable things. Boards preferrably. And if not, I really have to get a damn heavy bag so I can beat on something uncontrollably when I need to. Like now. Throwing kicks into imaginary targets at head level or better gets old. To the knees. Everything. So graphic in thought, even more graphic when the truth is told. So glad I have yet to find out in a "real world" situation. And even in a controlled situation you fear for your safety and that of your partner/opponent. So much can go wrong if you aren't focused. One inch pine boards break so easily if you know how to do it. As a human being if trained properly you can break three and even four boards without spacers. Hands, feat, head, elbows, knees, fingers. Weapons of death and destruction. What in the world do we need guns and knives for? Some times I wish I could do the chase like ancient peoples used to do. Tackling their food after a healthy chase. Must have been incredibly exciting, knowing that you could lose your life trying to get your damn meal. Now its just Moo, bang, bzzz, sizzle, plate, stomach. But even in ancient ways we were thinking up ways to be lazy. I think being lazy is human nature, above all else. I don't want to sell myself as a person or anyone else short, but God damn if we aren't all prone to it, and welcome it some times more than good honest effort. Look at criminals. Don't want to work for something so they steal it. Look at me, don't want to deal with a ton of stuff, so I procrastinate. A fancy word for being lazy. Oh yeah, music change, sentamental reflective song. That'd explain the mood change in thought. "Janine I drink you up. If you were the Baltic Sea and I were a cup." "Janine I drink you up." Hopelessly out of tune mentally with the world right now. So distracted by everything I feel and not knowing what to feel. I'm broke, I know that much. I'm excited for a lot of things. And trying to delay the inevitable. Good night dear friends of this mental intermission. |